Monday, April 25, 2011

12 years ago

As April 26th rolls around each year, I never quite know what I'm supposed to do, how I am supposed to reflect on probably the most difficult day I have ever lived on this earth. 12 years ago I gave birth to our first born child, a son, Billy. But God's plan for Billy was different than mine. Billy was born still. He never experienced the tragedies and disappointments of this life, but rather went straight to the arms of Jesus.
12 years ago I felt as though my life would never be the same - and I was right.It wouldn't. What happened that day has changed my life forever. Although it took much time for me to see what those changes would be, God used that tragic day to help define who I am today. I was taught the fragileness and value of life. I was taught not to take anything or anyone for granted. I learned, over time, that God can get me through any situation, no matter how difficult. I learned that God loves me and that He needed to teach me some things before I could be the mother that he wanted me to be. He was teaching me to love and appreciate the future children I would have, in a way deeper and more complete than I ever could have if I had not experienced the loss of my son.
He was preparing me to love a special child, one with a disability. Not that I couldn't have loved Katie without losing a child before her, but because of my loss, my love for her has come without question. As I often say, I am thankful that God gave her to me so that I could love her and try to be the best mother I can be to her.
He was also preparing me for Miss Mary, the child that I believe God allowed to heal my broken heart. She continues to be a reminder to me of God's love and faithfulness to us, even 10 years later.
I write this mainly for myself, to look at and reflect on. Maybe that is the best thing I can do, look back and be thankful for all that God has given me. I can hardly believe that my precious baby would have been 12 tomorrow. I am thankful that he is in heaven and is enjoying God's presence where I know that one day I will join him for eternity. Happy birthday, Billy.